HoArDeR

day 11… napowrimo

She thought she had everything

In the stacks and piles of discard

Layers of useless held to the heart

Safer to put love on things than

to let heartbreak have it’s darkness

It was passed a maze with any ending

Hardly a beginning from outside in

The heap of never being thrown away

made no way out of the only way in

The stench was to her a sweetness

Born of loss and grief deserved

by decades of never being enough in the

powerlessness of a self with nothing left

Letting go might mean emptiness

and the gathered mountain filled her up

The climb was arduous and dangerous

The Keeping it all was worth it

A cocoon of trash buried it all

A sure death of filth and feces

Beyond the embarrassed in a mind

that gives the senses overwhelm in the shutdown

No telling the lonely despair hidden

beyond the chaos in the confused stare that

rejects the letting go with vehemence and vitriol

Crushed beneath all that is vile and rejected

What is known is that despair layer deep

like the collection of useless refuge shoulder high

held to a sliver of space to wallow the self hate

in the putrefaction of what is felt deserved

She hoards. It is the only way to feel safe in

an unsafe world.  Chaos is her friend.

Melting her last bit of self esteem bagged

with her shit in the corner of the bathroom